Where can I turn for Peace??

The last few, well months have been extremely hard for me spiritually. I feel as if I am losing faith and just well motivation. I have been having emotional, mental, and physical issues a LOT lately. I know that I should so easily be able to turn to the Lord, and yet I can't. Does this mean there is something terribly wrong with me, does it mean that I am automatically unable to go to the Celestial Kingdom?

I honestly just feel like BLAH. I feel as if I have gone 360 as far as being a spiritual being. I used to be extremely spiritual. I have absolutely felt the spirit in my life a lot. I feel as though, and I know that this is a little bit what some would say just ridiculous that I say this. I feel ALONE. Now I fully understand that technically I'm not alone, I have my family and my friends. But really I want to have the Lord, I want to have his companionship, his love and guidance in my life. I don't feel it there. Ok that's a lie. I feel it there at times but honestly most days I am just surviving. And for me it sucks.

I'm the type of person that HAS to have the Priesthood and the Gospel in my life. I have ALWAYS known that if I were ever to stray I would most likely NOT make it back. I would turn my back on the Lord and lose my way. Now for some I bet you are thinking well DUH there is an easy fix to this whole thing. I don't mean to be rude but you are pretty much WRONG. There may be an "easy fix" for YOU.  However there is not "easy fix" for me. I have done the scripture reading the praying the church callings etc. But I am still struggling. I don't want to go to church I don't want to do my scriptures or my calling or any of that (except maybe the Temple) I'm LOST. I have absolutely NO motivation to do these "simple" things.

I have struggled my ENTIRE life with this. I rode on the back of my parents testimony for years. Then went through a phase of not having one at all. Then the phase of finally gaining one of my own. I will say that I do have a testimony of specific things. Here is an example:

So we got pregnant just three months after we were married. It was wonderful, I was finally getting the sweet baby that I had been longing for, for 25 years (I married at 25) I was going to be a MOMMY!!!! It was wonderful well minus the 7 months of bedrest:) On September 30,2009 our sweet baby Emma was born.  Then came the mommy blues. Our plan had always been to get pregnant again when she was  a year and a half old.. We tried and tried and tried and tried again. I finally realized that clearly something was wrong. We had been trying for about a year and NOTHING. And at the time of all this I was also seeing a psychiatrist who well was an idiot basically and also the OBGYN was an idiot, he was mean and wouldn't listen to me when I came to him and told him I KNEW something was wrong and I wanted to find out what. The man basically told me there was NO chance of having any issues of ANY kind... He wanted to just throw birth control at me. Now it's a little difficult to go on BC when you are already having hormonal, emotional, and mental issues... So this was not okay with me. I asked him if he had any other way of finding anything out (since all the blood tests and ultrasounds were supposedly normal) he then told me about the laperscopic procedure they could do. I asked if he would be willing to do this and he said NO.. He actually told me NO.... I was shocked along with just emotionally exhausted. He told me that he would not be happy about having to do it. He also told me that if I couldn't trust him then I needed to go to somebody else as it would be better for him and me... WOW seriously dude you are really gonna say that to someone who is coming to you for help>>????? I seriously was well dumbfounded.... I ended up deciding to get the procedure done anyways, and when I woke up form the procedure I looked at my husband and asked him what the doctor found. He then told me that he had found not only ONE of the things he said I would NEVER have but THREE.. He found Endometriosis, Cysts that would NOT go away and some type of growth on my ovaries... after that I went to him again and he never actually spoke of it again to me... Really???? I mean come on..... So back to the whole idiotic pyschiatrist. I ended up going to a new one and after 40 minutes of intense evaluating and asking questions he then told me to go get checked for PCOS. Anybody else think that's a little strange? well the next week I ended up with a new OBGYN also needless to say. Well it as confirmed that I had Endo and Pcos.. well that broke my spirit and my heart. I was told that it was going to be harder to get pregnant and that it would never actually go away. Well the pain I had been dealing with was awful enough to make it so I could not even funtion as a human being. We ended up deciding to take Clomid which is the first Fertility medicine. I ended up taking it just One month. and was lucky enough to get pregnant on it. I was about 6-8 weeks when I woke up from my nap with this awful feeling of just fear. I first thought that Mark had maybe got into an accident on his motorcycle, so I said a quick prayer and asked for comfort then the next thought I had was to my baby. I quickly prayed again and asked for something or Someone to give me something for comfort. Emma came in for lunch and all the sudden out of nowhere looks into the family room and says " mommy look its my baby brother"  Of course I had no idea what to do other than quietly freak out. I then asked her honey what did you say? she repeated what she had already said to me. I called my best friend and told her as I sat crying on the phone she told me that she thought that the spirits of our unborn children can come to earth to just kind of check things out. So as soon as she said that I felt the spirit calm me down. Oh side note I had always felt so very strongly that my next baby would be a boy. okay back to story. fast forward to ten weeks. It was Easter weekend and I had just gone in that day for a sinus infection. I had gone to the bathroom that night and there was a little bit of blood. I called up the on call doctor and was told to put myself on bedrest till I could get into the doctor on Monday, and if I had period like blood I was to go into the ER.. I had just laid down, coughed and felt a gush of something. I quickly ran into the bathroom and saw a clot of blood and had more blood coming out of me. Needless to say we ended up going straight into the ER. They cleaned out the rest of the blood and did a ultrasound and other tests and sent me home. The following Monday I had another ultrasound at the doctors and the technician then told me that I had a second sack. I had been pregnant with TWINS and lost one. I was devestated. BUT at the same time KNEW that the LORD had answered my prayers and had prepared me for what was to come. Fast forward to after I had Anneliese. I had been told by my doctor that having a hysterectomy would probably be the best choice for me considering my other issues I was dealing with. I had gone to the Temple and prayed and fasted and cried and got blessings and decided that the best choice would be to get the surgery. The night before I went in I freaked and had a meltdown. I then asked my hubby to give me a blessing and afterwards felt so peaceful. It had been decided I was going to get the surgery. Anneliese was only two months old when I had a FULL hysterectomy. I have NOTHING left... So that was the end of me having my own babies...  I to this day (literally) still have sadness and sorrow and pain. It is incredibly hard for me to not feel sadness.  What is the point of this whole story you may ask??? back to before I said that I have a testimony of specific things. PRAYER is one of those things.


So I ask you even though I have had amazing experiences and have felt the spirit HOW in the world can I be questioning and feel as if the Lord is not there for me?


WHERE CAN I TURN FOR PEACE??????

Kids...... How do I properly express my thought on this?

Well here I go...

Kids, they are wonderful and forgiving and resilient. They also know how to push buttons, drive a person super crazy. All in all they are super adorable packages of many gifts:)

I have a hard time with my kids:) I mean what mother doesn't right?? Mostly it's my five year old. See I have given the ages alternate names.

Here's what I came up with:)

2: Trying Two's
3: treacherous threes
4: feisty or ferocious fours(whichever you prefer)
5: Friggen rip my hair out of my head fives...

We are currently experiencing the two's and five :(

Both have there good and not so good traits to them.  I find that at age Two they are really just starting to number one talk and number two "find themselves" and yes it gets VERY trying. But I'm beginning to recognize certain things such as in the afternoon when the whining and yelling has peaked, duh Ashley Anneliese  is hungry. She hasn't done anything wrong per day she just needs food. I mean come on what person doesn't get cranky and whiny when hungry?   She can't quite express herself the way she would like and it understandably gets frustrating to her...  Today has been an interesting day.

A few days ago I took Annie into the pediatric urgent care, she had been coughing really badly and it starting getting to the point of almost throwing up. So we took her in and the doctor told me it was a respiratory virus and what I needed to do.  The next day she got worse and my mommy instinct told me to take her back in. The doctor listened to her then told me that she has mild asthma. My first thought was oh we are going to have to get inhalers and all this other stuff. He told me to do breathing treatments as needed and she may eventually grow out of it.. At this point mommy and daddy have not slept much since Sunday night:( and now my poor baby has to basically be forced to do treatments. Today she seems to go into a coughing phase when doing well much activity at all. Needless to say I'm one stressed out momma. And to make matters worse I was awakened by Emma screaming for me to come see this terrible thing Annie was doing in my mind what could be so urgent.  MAKEUP ALL OVER EVERYWHERE AND EVERYONE.. Not just any makeup my LIQUID makeup... Not what I was hoping to wake up to:(  needless to say I want this day to be Over:(.


Now to my Five year old. For us it is a constant battle, yelling saying no, fighting with her sister. Now I totally understand that these are typical things for five year olds. However for me it's well basically a personal hell and I deal with it every day. I can't always comprehend what's happening all I know is that my nerves are shot every day.. It's hard and emotionally draining. Most times I can't handle even my own emotions and it's frustrating.. I have a struggle daily.  I LOVE my children so much and yet most of the time I don't even want to be around them:(  I feel inadequate and as if I'm a terrible person . I know that I should know that I'm not and yet I don't. I feel as if I have failed and that I should not have been trusted with these girls. And at times I feel like maybe it was a blessing to not be able to have anymore.   I often think oh boy if this is how it is now I can't imagine(nor do I want to) how it's going to be when they are older..